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⚡ BREAKING: House gavels out before anyone can speak  ·  Session lasts approximately one sentence ⚡ UPDATE: DHS confirms $1 billion in warehouses are warehouses  ·  Additional warehouses being warehoused ⚡ DEVELOPING: Congress on Easter recess  ·  War continues on its own schedule ⚡ ARCHIVE: Experts explore link between sun god sacrifices and global warming  ·  Sun unavailable for comment ⚡ NOW HIRING: President of the United States  ·  Benefits include Air Force One and full nuclear authority ⚡ REMINDER: Democracy technically still in effect  ·  Officials checking  ·  Warehouses also still in effect
SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2026 Vol. I  ·  Issue 3  ·  The Govment Gazette
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Legislative Achievement · April 9, 2026

House Adjourns Itself Before Congressman Can Finish Sentence, Sets New Land Speed Record

In a display of procedural athleticism not seen since the last time someone tried to say something, the U.S. House gaveled out Thursday before Rep. Glenn Ivey could complete his opening remarks — possibly even a full word.

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Fiscal Mysteries

DHS Confirms $1 Billion Worth of Warehouses Are, In Fact, Warehouses

After a thorough review, the Department of Homeland Security has verified that eleven large, empty buildings are large, empty buildings. Officials are proud of the loading docks.

APR 10, 2026 Read →
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