Department of Energy Lawyer Helpfully Explains That Science Grants Were Canceled Because Science Lives in the Wrong States
In a cost-cutting initiative, the government cut costs in states that didn't vote correctly.
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Congress Courageously Bans Itself From Buying Stocks It Already Owns
The House passed the Stop Insider Trading Act 232–198, prohibiting members of Congress from purchasing new individual stocks — while explicitly allowing them to keep every share they currently hold, sell whenever they like, and leaving the President exempt entirely. Sponsors called it 'transformational.' The stocks called it 'Tuesday.'
Man Paid to Know What President Will Say Used That Information to Bet on What President Would Say
Gabriel Perez, the White House teleprompter operator who has fed President Trump his prepared remarks since 2016, allegedly wagered more than $100,000 on prediction market platform Kalshi by betting on which specific words the president would say in his own speeches. Investigators further discovered that Perez would hedge his bets mid-address whenever Trump went off-script, completing what experts are calling 'the most efficient trading algorithm in Washington history.'
Man Whose Entire Job Was Knowing What Trump Would Say Next Allegedly Bet On What Trump Would Say Next
The White House's longtime teleprompter operator has been suspended after federal regulators alleged he used advance knowledge of the president's prepared remarks to place winning bets on a prediction market — including hedging mid-speech when Trump went off-script. Investigators say he netted roughly $100,000 before the platform's algorithms noticed that someone, somewhere, always seemed to know.
From the Govment Archives
Department of Energy Lawyer Helpfully Explains That Science Grants Were Canceled Because Science Lives in the Wrong States
The Trump administration spent months insisting its cancellation of 284 federal energy research grants had absolutely nothing to do with politics. Its own lawyer then filed a document in federal court explaining that it had entirely to do with politics. The Department of Energy has not announced a budget line for irony.
Congress Courageously Bans Itself From Buying Stocks It Already Owns
The House passed the Stop Insider Trading Act 232–198, prohibiting members of Congress from purchasing new individual stocks — while explicitly allowing them to keep every share they currently hold, sell whenever they like, and leaving the President exempt entirely. Sponsors called it 'transformational.' The stocks called it 'Tuesday.'
Man Paid to Know What President Will Say Used That Information to Bet on What President Would Say
Gabriel Perez, the White House teleprompter operator who has fed President Trump his prepared remarks since 2016, allegedly wagered more than $100,000 on prediction market platform Kalshi by betting on which specific words the president would say in his own speeches. Investigators further discovered that Perez would hedge his bets mid-address whenever Trump went off-script, completing what experts are calling 'the most efficient trading algorithm in Washington history.'
Man Whose Entire Job Was Knowing What Trump Would Say Next Allegedly Bet On What Trump Would Say Next
The White House's longtime teleprompter operator has been suspended after federal regulators alleged he used advance knowledge of the president's prepared remarks to place winning bets on a prediction market — including hedging mid-speech when Trump went off-script. Investigators say he netted roughly $100,000 before the platform's algorithms noticed that someone, somewhere, always seemed to know.
Department of Government Efficiency Efficiently Eliminates Itself, Leaves Paperwork Undone
DOGE, the federal government's 18-month experiment in not doing government, officially ceased to exist on July 4th — the same day GSA confirmed that the offices DOGE demanded workers return to are still three-quarters empty. No closing report was planned, which agency officials described as 'on brand.'