Job Posting: President of the United States

Company: United States of America, Inc.

Location: Washington, D.C.

Salary: Negotiable, includes free housing, travel, and 24/7 security detail

Job Type: Full-Time, 4-year contract with potential for renewal

Application Deadline: November 2024

Job Description:

Are you tired of your current job? Looking for a position that allows you to make decisions impacting billions of lives daily? Do you enjoy long hours, constant scrutiny, and the occasional coup attempt? If so, we have the perfect job for you!

The United States of America, Inc. is seeking an experienced and charismatic individual to fill the role of President. As the President, you will be responsible for:

• Tweeting your every thought to millions of followers.
• Appearing in countless memes, both flattering and not.
• Engaging in daily verbal sparring matches with the media.
• Occasionally making policy decisions.

Qualifications:

• Must be at least 35 years old, but if you’re pushing 80 or beyond, you’re in great company!
• Must be a natural-born citizen of the United States.
• Must have resided in the United States for at least 14 years (bonus points if you remember the invention of color TV).
• Experience in reality TV, Cold War nostalgia, or as a political meme subject is a plus.

Key Responsibilities:

• Defending your honor on social media.
• Attending summits and forgetting names.
• Making promises you may or may not keep.
• Pardoning turkeys (and occasionally humans).

Skills Required:

• Ability to give speeches that may or may not stay on topic.
• Strong skills in crisis management (both real and self-inflicted).
• Mastery in dodging difficult questions.
• Exceptional talent in the art of the handshake.

Perks and Benefits:

• Free global travel (economy class not included).
• Unlimited exposure in the news media.
• An entire team dedicated to writing your speeches and tweets.
• The best healthcare plan taxpayers can buy.

To Apply:

Please submit your resume, highlighting any reality TV experience, Twitter followers, and notable scandals.

See the sample resumes:

• Joe Biden
• Donald Trump